(“Something New” movie still, www.flixster.com)
Dr. Boyce Watkins posted an interesting article over at theGrio about single black women and our relationship struggles. Some of Dr. Watkins’ key points: relationship struggles aren’t limited to black people; black women are chasing the wrong men; and we’re part of the problem too:
I’ve noticed that there are many women who spend all their time chasing the alpha male who may have 10 different girlfriends at once and ignoring the less-than-perfect man who is willing to be their lifelong mate. Given that it’s illegal to marry more than one person at a time, many of these “Michael Jordan types” fill the gender gap single-handedly by occupying the attention and loyalty of several women at once.
Perhaps the next time you’re chasing the super-fine, super-hunk man of your dreams, you might consider the fact that there is probably a new woman chasing him down every single day. That’s not to say, however, that you don’t have the right to be attracted to whatever you want – just realize that dating is a market, like searching for a job. The more constraints you put on your search, the fewer options you are going to have. So, if you are passing up men because they are 6′1″ instead of 6′2″, you’ll get very little sympathy as you sit around the fire with your girlfriends crying into a glass of red wine. Your Prince Charming may never have belonged to you in the first place, and you may have kicked the real Prince Charming to the curb.
Interesting. I agree with some of what Dr. Watkins said, like taking relationship advice from a comedian and having to compete with the Elin Nordegrens of the world. And I’m not one of those women on the “there-aren’t-enough-brothers-out-there” bandwagon, even though my career as a criminal defense attorney has exposed to me numerous black men being locked up on a regular basis (and it is a crisis).
My experience has been the opposite. I’ve met plenty of alpha males, as well as attractive, hard-working men who are taking care of their kid(s), go to church, have good jobs or run businesses, etc. These hardworking men are much better to date and settle down with, though I confess that alpha males usually possess an edge that’s tempting: they want to chase and we want to break these bad boys. It’s not worth the energy, believe me.
I disagree, however, with the article for its lack of focus on the other problem: being a successful black woman, how men respond to that and how we as women handle or mishandle this delicate balance. I’m not talking from the standpoint of finding someone who’s so-called “on your level” - I think that’s what Dr. Watkins refers to, chasing a list or concept of the ideal man based on things like education level, the kind of car he drives and the size of his bank account. If you’re basing your desire for a man on superficial things than yes, end the blame game about why you’re single.
I’m talking about dating and/or marrying someone who’s cool with your career, supports it and even pushes you to do what you do while equally sharing in home responsibilities. Working women have always had the challenge of balancing work and home, but the imbalance becomes more pronounced as we achieve more success and take on opportunities that used to be reserved for men. The other side of this success is the impact that it has on the home, and I think that for some men, it’s a turn off.
I’ve had countless brothers tell me that they don’t want a woman who makes more than them, and that they damn sure don’t want one who has to work long hours to do so. “Why get married if you can’t be home,” asked one friend, as he openly expressed a desire for a woman who would be willing to stay home when they have kids, or at least have a job that won’t interfere with ”his kids, his food and his sex.” Not all of my male friends are cavemen, as I called him, but I totally get where he’s coming from. Some men don’t want a woman who’s going to ram her success down his throat, make him feel the differences in their education or income level or neglect home over work. I get it brothers. Understood. You’re entitled to want what you want, and so am I.
One of the biggest challenges in all of my past relationships has been ambition – mine and his. Looking back, I realize that there’s a fine line between holding it down at work and at home, and that yes, you can’t be all-work 24/7. I’m a workaholic by nature, but time has taught me that it’s not ok to always blur the line between QT and OT, that your laptop shouldn’t be on your lap while you’re curled up with your man watching “The Hangover” on a Saturday night. And, that he shouldn’t roll over in bed and feel your Blackberry against the small of his back. There are, however, times when work calls for you to finish up something from the office or answer emails (on weekends), and many of us want someone who understands that.
So perhaps this is really a question of old-school traditions and thought versus new-school families and parenting, and whether black women (women period) can meet someone who’s fine with that going into the relationship. I believe in being upfront about who you are and what comes with you. If you have to travel every month for your job, let that person know. If you can’t cook a lick or need the help of a cleaning service to keep your house together, don’t hide that. If you’re not willing to change your bad habits, be real about it.
As a law student going out on the Philly social scene, I found myself either going tit-for-tat over accomplishments when men volunteered that they were in law school as their opening hook (“oh you’re in law school too?”; “Wow! I’m on law review and clerking for a judge too (sucka)”; “you’re BLSA president? me too!”) or hiding the fact that I was in law school to avoid the “oh, you one of those chicks” comments. I got to the point where I stopped hiding what I aspired to do, but I made sure it wasn’t the focus of my conversations or life either. Let’s face it: people who only talk about work, or are hopelessly intertwined with it, are boring people.
Post-graduation, I dealt with older men looking for younger women to settle down with, one who was willing to become wife number two three and to stop working and have babies right away. I gained a couple of closeted male friends along the way – who, interestingly, had some of my same dating issues – and eventually met someone who was my opposite in a lot of ways but pushed me spiritually and professionally in ways that past relationships hadn’t. Although there were also things missing in that relationship that I had in others, I can assure you that money and status were not at the root of our problems.
We dated for three years before breaking up early last year, but the funny thing is we’re better friends now than we were before, when the focus was on being in a relationship instead of securing its foundation. Mr. X has become my go-to source for many things, including insight on me, my business, my fears . . . and my unfortunate habit of sabotaging my relationships, which stems from my other big fear: commitment (I won’t put him out there but we both had the same issue for different reasons). So yes, Dr. Watkins, I can say that I am to blame for my being single, but my reasons aren’t as superficial as suggested.
I have friends who rush to make breakfast and drop their kids off at school, rush to work or court, rush to pick up their kids, rush home to cook dinner, rush to help with homework and collapse into sleep after rushing through a mindless quickie. Those are my frazzled, close-to-a-nervous-breakdown friends, and I personally don’t want that life. I also have friends who alternate their kids’ schedules with their spouse/significant other/baby daddy, share cooking duties, employ the help of a babysitter and/or have an otherwise non-traditional approach to their relationship. I think that this takes great compromise, but it comes with our territory as successful women. Not everyone can handle this, and I don’t expect them to. That’s why dating for me is more about friendship at this point. You have to see my life to know if you want to be part of it. Of course, I’m not Oprah, but I’m just saying…
So that’s why I’m single: because I want a partner who understands and supports what I do, and is flexible enough to give me some room to do it, as I will with him. Not because I’m desperate to meet Idris Elba Lamman Rucker or his look-alike, or the CEO of some top company, or because I’m standing outside the locker room hoping I get wifed by some athlete.
For my part, I know that my next relationship can’t be between me, my man and the office, and I’ll work on that. In fact, that’s one of the major themes in my forthcoming book because I had to examine where I was falling short in my relationships and the common denominator was work.
I like being single at this moment in my life because I have to keep very late hours to juggle it all, and dating allows me to keep some distance to handle my business. Being single can also be a choice. But when I took my nephew to see the new Alvin & The Chipmunks movie over the holidays (the longest freaking movie of my life, but it was cute), I felt that there’s more out there for me, that my life can’t be my work and that I have to stop the fear of being trapped by something I ultimately want. How I go about it will be my real challenge, but understanding the nature of the beast will make me a better wife/mother/mogul in the future.
I tend to go in and out on the marriage thing – just like men do - and I think many women feel that way too. We’re not looking to be completed, but, rather, added to, and for once, I need someone to talk to me on that level. And, without the assumption that we’re all a bunch of over-accomplished hens giving the shaft to the good brothers on the market while complaining about the lack of good men over a bottle of pinot. We don’t have pity parties in my world.
I’d love to hear your thoughts on why you’re single. Let’s go beyond on the surface on this one. Feel free to post a comment.
TNH
